noblesque

So some awful shorts inspired the best (worst) fanfiction ever.

• Me: Oh wow. Those are some ugly shorts. Like, those are fanfiction shorts. Seriously bad Captain America fanfiction shorts.
• Friend: And he goes clubbing in them. IN ONLY A VEST. He's a slut but somehow a virgin. The vest is also spangly.
• Me: He wears America themed boots with them. They're also platforms.
• Friend: AND HEELS. Because being over 6 feet he totally needs them.
• Me: Completely.
• Friend: And he has to strip for a living.
• Me: Captain America is his stripper name. He should also have covered his entire self in glitter.
• Friend: And oil. Oily glittered up hairless body.
• Me: It's from his stripper job. He didn't have time to shower before he went clubbing. He just wore his stripper outfit clubbing because he was running late. And now everyone keeps hitting on him when he's actually a shy virgin and it makes him uncomfortable. And then Tony Stark comes over and is like "Hey. He said he wasn't interested. Back off."
• Friend: Tony's also wearing shit clothes. But it's like, tight ass gold jeans.
• Me: He's wearing PVC designed to look like robot gear. But only on his shoulders.
• Friend: And red cowboy boots. And no shirt. Oh and he's wearing sunglasses. In a club. And guyliner. And NAIL POLISH.
• Me: His sunglasses look like the eyes from his Iron Man mask in the lights of the club.
• Friend: Gold nail polish. NO. Red with gold tips. And drinking because GOD no one ever remembers that he's an alcoholic and doesn't drink. Also in Cap's stripping job he has to skank cross-dress.
• Me: And he'll be embarrassed and won't want to tell Tony. But Tony will already know and think it's super hot. And then Steve will notice that Tony is drinking all the time and they will have a heart-to-heart and Tony will give up drinking for their relationship even though they just met each other last night. And he'll be totally fine and won't experience withdrawal at all because he has Steve's love to distract him.
• Friend: Oh and Tony's dad is abusive. Not dead. For some reason. Also an alcoholic. It's where Tony gets it from. TRAUMA.
• Me: And then Nick Fury, who runs the strip club where Steve works, doesn't like that Tony is always hanging around because boyfriends are bad for business. So he tells Steve that he has to dump Tony or he's fired. And Steve doesn't like stripping but he needs the money. And he doesn't want to rely on Tony even though he's super rich and wouldn't care.
• Friend: Steve needs the money for Bucky. He's his younger brother. BUCKY AND STEVE ARE ORPHANS. So the money is so he can take care of Bucky who is apparently... too young to know what's going on?
• Me: And then it gets resolved in an unexpected threesome. Steve realizes that Tony knows he loves him and not his money and he quits stripping and they live happily ever after. And then one night they have a threesome with Thor, who is the pizza man.
• Friend: And a stoner. And dating his brother. It's not his brother though.
• Me: And then Loki finds out that they all slept together and goes batshit. And they have to figure out how to fix it. They fix it by telling him that Thor was high and didn't mean it and then HE gives up smoking and he and Loki ride off into the sunset on horses on the beach. And then Steve and Tony wave to them as they leave and then watch fireworks and have sex on the beach. During which sand doesn't get everywhere and there isn't any litter near them and no one sees them and seagulls aren't all over the place being like hey do you have food?
• Friend: And not only do they have sex on the beach but it's like, at the water? And somehow that's not immensely frustrating.
• Me: Like, right in the tide. But that's not uncomfortable or getting wet sand everywhere. Like how the tide pushes sand into your bathing suit if you sit down? Except they're having sex and somehow this isn't an issue. And then they go home and snuggle on the couch and then have sex in every room and Bucky doesn't wake up or interrupt them and everyone is happy forever.
• THE END.
• Seriously, though. No one should ever wear these shorts:
• http: //www.modcloth.com/shop/shorts/born-to-fun-shorts